From seclusion to connectedness

I have been in a very dark place over the last...... can't remember how long. Some people wouldn't have noticed, others have and have steered clear! I've realized I'm not a nice person when I'm in a dark place. I shut down, I feel numb, I can't be bothered with anyone or anything in fact everything is an effort. I see other people having fun and feel jealous, bitter and critical. Getting to this point was a journey, a very painful journey and one I don't really want to discuss here. Suffice to say circumstances and decisions (some of my own as well as others) brought me to a place of sadness which I didn't realize had completely consumed me.

I put myself into seclusion. Seclusion from God as well as people. This was a defence mechanism I think. I surrounded myself with a protective wall which not only protected me from the pain I was feeling but also stopped the love getting in too. I couldn't allow my heart to feel anything as it hurt too much. I couldn't even think about certain people without getting angry or upset and if I happened to see them I would be very ungracious and downright nasty. I recognise now that I was hurting so much that I didn't know how to deal with it. I felt God had let me down and abandoned me. I felt rejected by people and the church.

Today as I write this the sun is shining, and I can  actually feel the heat from it as we move into Spring in the UK. I feel the sun is shining in me again too. I've turned a corner, made a breakthrough, had a revelation..... however you want to describe it I'm feeling like me again....but different too.

I feel lighter in spirit, more joyful (in fact at times ecstatic!!), at peace, connected to God, happy and oh so thankful. Thankful for my lovely hubby who stands by me whatever I throw at him (not literally of course!). Thankful for me fab daughter who is growing into a beautiful young woman of God. Thankful for the faithful friendships I have, true friends who have loved me warts and all. Thankful for new playing opportunities with both my trumpet and cornet, and for the new friendships I've made with both Burnham Concert Band, and Slough and Hemel Hempstead Salvation Army. Thankful for the Sound Professors who never let go of me. Thankful for different unexpected people reaching out to me and encouraging me. Thankful for surprise visits from friends saying how much we were missed. Thankful for the inspiring message on Connectedness by a very godly woman. Thankful for faith inspired messages and worship at the recent 'She Is' conference in Sheffield and the faithful friend who invited me to go. Thankful for all those faithful people who have prayed for me through this season.  But most of all thankful to God for continuing to hold on to me even when I couldn't pray, read the bible or even go to church I know He was there holding on to me when I couldn't hold onto Him anymore. He never let go of me.

I pray that if any of this rings true for you that you will know God's peace, love and protection as you continue on your journey.

Time Flies

I'm going to be 50 this year. I can't quite believe where the years have gone. I can't believe it's March already in 2013!! Time seems to go by quicker and quicker the older I get.

When I started this blog in March 2011 (two years ago nearly to the day....weird) I had no idea where the journey would take me. I still don't know where it's going or if this will be my last post, but I do know that it has been for a reason. I've shared some of my heart, my history, my life experiences and my faith but most of all I've written because I've had something to say. Over the last year I've felt I've had very little to say. A lot of that is down to disappointment, changes to my world, frustrations, the menopause and depression.

I met up with a lovely friend, and fellow blogger, by chance yesterday, and realised that I'm not on my own as far as erratic writing is concerned. This prompted me to search myself, to listen to my heart and determine if indeed I had something else to say. Well I think turning 50 later this year is a bit of a milestone so I may well dedicate this years blog to that approaching milestone and record some of my feelings, concerns, apathy, dread and excitement as the day approaches.

As I hinted at earlier, 2012 was not a great year for me. Wayne was very unsettled with his work which in turn affected us as a family at home more than I realised at the time. I didn't cope very well with not being busy (and am still struggling with that one), and my health was not great with the onset of the menopause and all the joys that brings, including a bout of depression. I still feel very lethargic and find motivating myself to do anything very difficult. One highlight of last year though was taking a wood working course. This is something I've always wanted to do and I long to make something with wood. I've started to build up my sets of tools and long for the warmer weather when I can get started on converting our summer house (shed at the bottom of the garden!!) into a warm and weather proof workshop. This will be MY space and I plan to spend long hours in there constructing beautifully crafted gifts for friends and family.......well a girl can dream can't she??

So will 2013 be more fulfilling? Will I face the truth and start living a happier life?
I had the privilege last night of rehearsing with the wonderful 'Sound Professors' which always blesses me, and before that listening to Amanda talk about Perfectionism versus Excellence. I was left with my head knowing the following.

• I know I need to live with a better perspective and concentrate on the positives rather than the negatives.
• I know I need to be kind to that artist in me.
• I know I need to KNOW that God loves me and let Him love me.
• I know I need to get over myself and not make self esteem my God.
• And I know I need to set realistic expectations of both myself and other people.  

Now the hard part starts as I put all those things into practice and start living in the freedom and joy that I know God really wants for me. If you see me around feel free to ask me how I'm doing on all those things and whether I'm allowing God to take control of my situations and my reactions to them.

So here's looking to 2013 being a more constructive year practically, spiritually and emotionally, and praying that all I have to say is helpfull and positive and not the ramblings of a grumpy old woman!!!

What's Next?

This weekend has been one of those defining moments in my life. One of those times when you look back and think that was the start of something new, and the end of something too. I'll be honest , the lead up to it has been a bit frustrating and hard work. I've been dithering about a decision I had to make. That decision was whether or not to attend a Christian women's conference that my church was hosting, called Real.

I was dithering for a number of reasons but the main one was the fact that there would basically be a room full of women, possibly talking about shopping, makeup, fashion, and other stuff I don't really get or have any interest in!!!

There were a couple of reasons I actually ended up attending the conference and they were all to do with people and friendship. I had coffee with one such lovely lady who felt I should go as she felt God would have something to say to me. And another lovely friend agreed to go with me so I didn't feel on my own or isolated while being surrounded by hundreds of women. Sounds odd I know but all you girls know what I mean and where I'm coming from!!

Anyway I attended the Friday evening opener which consisted of music, worship, drama, chat, prayer, a message but most importantly for me, writing a sentence or word on a label. This could be something you felt you wanted to get from the weekend or a question or just something that was on your mind at that time.

I looked at the blank brightly coloured label and didn't know what to put at all. You know one of those writers block moments, but then I felt prompted to put 'What's Next?'

This is a phrase that's been buzzing round my head for some months now. I feel in yet another season of change and uncertainty. Wayne has started a new job, Gemma's starting GCSEs in September, it looks like my wonderful worship band is going to have to change personnel again and I'm not getting any work. So I felt I needed to know What's next for me? Where does God want me to be? What am I supposed to be doing?

Well the Saturday morning provided me with my answer. The guest speaker Shauna Niequist started by saying she was going to read some of her writings which put me at ease straight away as I've read and really enjoyed both her books 'Cold Tangerines' and 'Bittersweet'. She started by relaying how she deals with busy or stressful times in her life. Her first phrase struck me the most which was 'Present over Perfect' and she went on to talk about giving yourself permission.

To me this meant, enjoy the moment you're in. Enjoy the Present and treat it as a Gift. A time to enjoy being and not doing. Enjoy your friendships, keep listening to God's promptings and reaching out to people, enjoy your family, your wonderful husband and beautiful daughter. Enjoy playing in your worship band and building community with them as you rehearse and share life together. Enjoy knitting again, enjoy reading, enjoy all the mundane stuff of life. Enjoy being me and don't try and be anyone else. Enjoy building new friendships.

Basically: Enjoy life and give yourself permission to just be.

Thankfully it was a quick answer and God was also able to help me deal with some other stuff over the weekend. Things I needed to accept. Stuff that has happened and I need to draw a line under and move on from. This helped me to serve on Sunday with a warm heart and one open to His will for me.

We also enjoyed a new format to our meeting on Sunday which included a New Liturgy which Aaron, Shauna's husband led us in. This was a very powerful experience for me and included old and new alike and just helped us to praise God in a truly honest and open way. Not everyones cup of tea I understand that, but I loved it!!

I could also mention the beer time, food, fun, text messages, laughter and tears shed with some very lovely friends, as well as the prayers and encouragement I personally received. Maybe another blog entry!!!

So I want to finish by just encouraging you to ask yourself what's next for me? Am I in the right place? Am I doing the right thing? Scary questions but I know very, very worthwhile.