Small Steps

I now have a Personal Trainer!!!

This is quite a long story and started with a casual conversation on a beach in Mexico last summer. Doing more exercise was something I knew I needed to do but I also knew I didn't have the capacity to push myself into doing said exercise. I've not been averse to exercise in the past as you will know if you've read any of my previous blog posts. I was very sporty at school and got picked for most of the teams. I then played football when I was working in my late twenties, early thirties. I was also an active Golfer until I kind of fell out of love with it and being a mum took precedence. Recently the most exercise I've been party to is a weekly run around a badminton court.....I say run it's more of a plod!!

Anyway back to that beach. My friend and I were sat looking out to sea where the rest of the crew were swimming with Turtles, and I casually turned to her and said, "Have you ever thought of being a Personal Trainer." Now I'm not quite sure where it came from, as we weren't talking about exercise at all. We were just enjoying relaxing in the sun actually, but maybe I saw something in her, an enthusiasm, a drive, an air of encouragement. She was already qualified as a Keep Fit Instructor and I had attended, and enjoyed some of her classes in the past, so I knew she was kind of active. Anyway her answer was YES!! So after much discussion and googling....she set herself the task of training up to be a PT. She is now qualified and I'm her first proper client!!!

Alongside this Wayne and I have joined a golf club. I don't remember it being such hard work!! Just getting round the course was difficult at first let alone playing decent golf. In fact one story which will make you smile. I hit my ball into a bunker (not intentionally of course). I then stepped into the bunker, played the ball out of the bunker......but then I couldn't get out of the bunker!!!! My legs couldn't physically pull me out, I ended up crawling out on my hands and knees, very undignified!!!

Before I started my sessions my friend encouraged me to set some realistic goals. These revolved around the golf.

• I want to be able to get out of those bunkers with some grace and poise
• be able to walk the course without struggling to breathe
• and eventually be able to carry my golf bag around the course when I can't use a trolley because of the weather.

I'm three weeks into my new routine and I have to say I'm loving it. I feel more alive, I'm walking more and walking with more energy. I feel taller and more alert. Yes bits of me hurt after our sessions but I know they are good hurts if you know what I mean. My body is reminded about muscles I'd forgotten I had. My breathing is better and even playing my trumpet feels easier. I'm more conscious about not sitting around all day and want to get out and have a walk. And yes I'm getting out of those bunkers better already!!!

Each session I'm doing more and taking small steps of improvement each time. My PT is pushing me but not so much that I don't want to do it anymore!! Having someone walk this journey with me and encourage me has been a real blessing and I'm confident I'm going to reach my goals. In fact she says I'm her star pupil. I know, I know,  I'm her only pupil at the moment but hey it makes me feel good.

I was a little reluctant to write this post as it kind of puts it out there and people will now know, but I came to the conclusion that this might be an encouragement to some of you. It might not be to get fitter, but it might be to recognise qualities in others that can be nurtured. It might prompt you to look at your lifestyle and see how small changes can make a huge difference, or it might be to seek out someone who can help you on your journey too. I know this won't happen overnight but I'm prepared for the fight, thank you Deborah for being on my side, for encouraging me and walking this path with me, I am already very grateful.

Hopes and Dreams

Hopes and Dreams are something I've struggled with all my life I think. I never really felt I had a huge direction in my life or that I really wanted to achieve that one thing. I never felt driven to own the latest car or the newest gadget. I even had difficulty deciding which treat to take when I was given a Red Letter Day gift!! Over the past few months though I'm daring to believe, I'm daring to dream and I'm daring to hope.

I've recently enjoyed two local brewery tastings. Both presents from friends who know Wayne and I very well!! The first was at Lovibonds brewery in Henley-on-Thames and the second was at the Chiltern Valley Winery and Brewery in Hambledon. I would recommend both of them even though they were quite different, both in their stories and their presentation. I think what I most enjoyed about them (not forgetting the tasting bit and the company of course) was hearing the stories behind how they became viable businesses, and the passion that was behind making them work.

Lovibonds was an old local brewery which has relatively recently been bought by an American, who in his own words, was probably having a 'mid life crisis' and wanted to do something completely different. And so started to learn about brewing beer and enjoying creating his own concoctions realising it was great fun and lucrative too. If you want to hear a guy talk passionately about his love of brewing for a couple of hours and sample some delicious beers too, then I would highly recommend it. Although be warned his language can be a little blue!!

The Chiltern Valley Winery and Brewery has been family run since 1980. The land was originally a pig farm and when the family bought it decided they didn't want to farm pigs so had the land tested to see what agriculture it was good for. The answer was rhubarb or grapes...a bit of a no brainer really.
And so the vines were planted and production began. The story unfolds as they converted a barn as a function room and discovered an old wood store ideal for brewing beer in. With a donated brewing kit the beer began to flow. The original family house is now a 4 bedroomed b&b and their latest venture is into liqueurs. They have a Royal Warrant as the Duke of Edinburgh enjoys their Barn Ale (as did we!!). They now have a thriving business in a very beautiful part of the country. Definitely worth a visit.

After experiencing these two very different life stories and the passion that has driven these guys into their successes it stirred something in me and reminded me of some of the words I heard at the conference I attended earlier in the year (mentioned in my last blog entry). Words that had dared me to hope and dream that I would have double restoration in my life, that I would regain things I had lost and that had been taken away from me, and that they would be even better than before. Words that reminded me that God has a perfect plan for me and that it has nothing to do with my efforts.
Today I read the story of the raising of Lazarus in the bible. Joyce Meyer's notes on the passage reminded me again that I should have hope. She wrote:

'A lot of us are like Martha, stuck in our troubles, not realizing that God can turn things around. But Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, and He can raise 'Lazaruses' in your life. Don't lose hope. You might be hurting right now, but out of every disaster, God can bring a new beginning. Believe in God, and watch Him show His glory in your life.'

Today I am daring to believe this and I pray that you do too.

From seclusion to connectedness

I have been in a very dark place over the last...... can't remember how long. Some people wouldn't have noticed, others have and have steered clear! I've realized I'm not a nice person when I'm in a dark place. I shut down, I feel numb, I can't be bothered with anyone or anything in fact everything is an effort. I see other people having fun and feel jealous, bitter and critical. Getting to this point was a journey, a very painful journey and one I don't really want to discuss here. Suffice to say circumstances and decisions (some of my own as well as others) brought me to a place of sadness which I didn't realize had completely consumed me.

I put myself into seclusion. Seclusion from God as well as people. This was a defence mechanism I think. I surrounded myself with a protective wall which not only protected me from the pain I was feeling but also stopped the love getting in too. I couldn't allow my heart to feel anything as it hurt too much. I couldn't even think about certain people without getting angry or upset and if I happened to see them I would be very ungracious and downright nasty. I recognise now that I was hurting so much that I didn't know how to deal with it. I felt God had let me down and abandoned me. I felt rejected by people and the church.

Today as I write this the sun is shining, and I can  actually feel the heat from it as we move into Spring in the UK. I feel the sun is shining in me again too. I've turned a corner, made a breakthrough, had a revelation..... however you want to describe it I'm feeling like me again....but different too.

I feel lighter in spirit, more joyful (in fact at times ecstatic!!), at peace, connected to God, happy and oh so thankful. Thankful for my lovely hubby who stands by me whatever I throw at him (not literally of course!). Thankful for me fab daughter who is growing into a beautiful young woman of God. Thankful for the faithful friendships I have, true friends who have loved me warts and all. Thankful for new playing opportunities with both my trumpet and cornet, and for the new friendships I've made with both Burnham Concert Band, and Slough and Hemel Hempstead Salvation Army. Thankful for the Sound Professors who never let go of me. Thankful for different unexpected people reaching out to me and encouraging me. Thankful for surprise visits from friends saying how much we were missed. Thankful for the inspiring message on Connectedness by a very godly woman. Thankful for faith inspired messages and worship at the recent 'She Is' conference in Sheffield and the faithful friend who invited me to go. Thankful for all those faithful people who have prayed for me through this season.  But most of all thankful to God for continuing to hold on to me even when I couldn't pray, read the bible or even go to church I know He was there holding on to me when I couldn't hold onto Him anymore. He never let go of me.

I pray that if any of this rings true for you that you will know God's peace, love and protection as you continue on your journey.

Time Flies

I'm going to be 50 this year. I can't quite believe where the years have gone. I can't believe it's March already in 2013!! Time seems to go by quicker and quicker the older I get.

When I started this blog in March 2011 (two years ago nearly to the day....weird) I had no idea where the journey would take me. I still don't know where it's going or if this will be my last post, but I do know that it has been for a reason. I've shared some of my heart, my history, my life experiences and my faith but most of all I've written because I've had something to say. Over the last year I've felt I've had very little to say. A lot of that is down to disappointment, changes to my world, frustrations, the menopause and depression.

I met up with a lovely friend, and fellow blogger, by chance yesterday, and realised that I'm not on my own as far as erratic writing is concerned. This prompted me to search myself, to listen to my heart and determine if indeed I had something else to say. Well I think turning 50 later this year is a bit of a milestone so I may well dedicate this years blog to that approaching milestone and record some of my feelings, concerns, apathy, dread and excitement as the day approaches.

As I hinted at earlier, 2012 was not a great year for me. Wayne was very unsettled with his work which in turn affected us as a family at home more than I realised at the time. I didn't cope very well with not being busy (and am still struggling with that one), and my health was not great with the onset of the menopause and all the joys that brings, including a bout of depression. I still feel very lethargic and find motivating myself to do anything very difficult. One highlight of last year though was taking a wood working course. This is something I've always wanted to do and I long to make something with wood. I've started to build up my sets of tools and long for the warmer weather when I can get started on converting our summer house (shed at the bottom of the garden!!) into a warm and weather proof workshop. This will be MY space and I plan to spend long hours in there constructing beautifully crafted gifts for friends and family.......well a girl can dream can't she??

So will 2013 be more fulfilling? Will I face the truth and start living a happier life?
I had the privilege last night of rehearsing with the wonderful 'Sound Professors' which always blesses me, and before that listening to Amanda talk about Perfectionism versus Excellence. I was left with my head knowing the following.

• I know I need to live with a better perspective and concentrate on the positives rather than the negatives.
• I know I need to be kind to that artist in me.
• I know I need to KNOW that God loves me and let Him love me.
• I know I need to get over myself and not make self esteem my God.
• And I know I need to set realistic expectations of both myself and other people.  

Now the hard part starts as I put all those things into practice and start living in the freedom and joy that I know God really wants for me. If you see me around feel free to ask me how I'm doing on all those things and whether I'm allowing God to take control of my situations and my reactions to them.

So here's looking to 2013 being a more constructive year practically, spiritually and emotionally, and praying that all I have to say is helpfull and positive and not the ramblings of a grumpy old woman!!!

What's Next?

This weekend has been one of those defining moments in my life. One of those times when you look back and think that was the start of something new, and the end of something too. I'll be honest , the lead up to it has been a bit frustrating and hard work. I've been dithering about a decision I had to make. That decision was whether or not to attend a Christian women's conference that my church was hosting, called Real.

I was dithering for a number of reasons but the main one was the fact that there would basically be a room full of women, possibly talking about shopping, makeup, fashion, and other stuff I don't really get or have any interest in!!!

There were a couple of reasons I actually ended up attending the conference and they were all to do with people and friendship. I had coffee with one such lovely lady who felt I should go as she felt God would have something to say to me. And another lovely friend agreed to go with me so I didn't feel on my own or isolated while being surrounded by hundreds of women. Sounds odd I know but all you girls know what I mean and where I'm coming from!!

Anyway I attended the Friday evening opener which consisted of music, worship, drama, chat, prayer, a message but most importantly for me, writing a sentence or word on a label. This could be something you felt you wanted to get from the weekend or a question or just something that was on your mind at that time.

I looked at the blank brightly coloured label and didn't know what to put at all. You know one of those writers block moments, but then I felt prompted to put 'What's Next?'

This is a phrase that's been buzzing round my head for some months now. I feel in yet another season of change and uncertainty. Wayne has started a new job, Gemma's starting GCSEs in September, it looks like my wonderful worship band is going to have to change personnel again and I'm not getting any work. So I felt I needed to know What's next for me? Where does God want me to be? What am I supposed to be doing?

Well the Saturday morning provided me with my answer. The guest speaker Shauna Niequist started by saying she was going to read some of her writings which put me at ease straight away as I've read and really enjoyed both her books 'Cold Tangerines' and 'Bittersweet'. She started by relaying how she deals with busy or stressful times in her life. Her first phrase struck me the most which was 'Present over Perfect' and she went on to talk about giving yourself permission.

To me this meant, enjoy the moment you're in. Enjoy the Present and treat it as a Gift. A time to enjoy being and not doing. Enjoy your friendships, keep listening to God's promptings and reaching out to people, enjoy your family, your wonderful husband and beautiful daughter. Enjoy playing in your worship band and building community with them as you rehearse and share life together. Enjoy knitting again, enjoy reading, enjoy all the mundane stuff of life. Enjoy being me and don't try and be anyone else. Enjoy building new friendships.

Basically: Enjoy life and give yourself permission to just be.

Thankfully it was a quick answer and God was also able to help me deal with some other stuff over the weekend. Things I needed to accept. Stuff that has happened and I need to draw a line under and move on from. This helped me to serve on Sunday with a warm heart and one open to His will for me.

We also enjoyed a new format to our meeting on Sunday which included a New Liturgy which Aaron, Shauna's husband led us in. This was a very powerful experience for me and included old and new alike and just helped us to praise God in a truly honest and open way. Not everyones cup of tea I understand that, but I loved it!!

I could also mention the beer time, food, fun, text messages, laughter and tears shed with some very lovely friends, as well as the prayers and encouragement I personally received. Maybe another blog entry!!!

So I want to finish by just encouraging you to ask yourself what's next for me? Am I in the right place? Am I doing the right thing? Scary questions but I know very, very worthwhile.

Empathy

Today I heard the sad news that my lovely friends mum had died. It was a short illness and consequently a very sudden end. It's been a tough couple of weeks for the family with lots of travelling backwards and forwards to the hospital, as well as the emotional journey they've all been on. As a friend I, along with other close friends, have tried to help practically as well as praying together for the whole situation. However there's always that part of you that feels so helpless and useless and hates seeing your friends going through tough stuff. You want to make it all better and wave a magic wand and it all not be there anymore. We all know that can't happen though and as we are told in the bible 'we will have troubles'.

I know that my own experiences will help me to empathise with the family although grieving is a very personal process and one that no one can fully understand.
I'm reminded of the passage in 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

'Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,

who comforts us in all our troubles,

so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort

we ourselves have received from God.'

'As high as the Heavens are above the earth, so high are your ways to mine'

Prompted to blog

Yesterday I spent a wonderful day at 'Fourteen+'. This is a retreat day held at Oakwood and run by two lovely ladies, the host of the house Liz Pudner, and Melitta Cullis a creative whiz. Two very different people but two ladies who fit together like a glove as they share the same passion to create a space for women to 'spend time' and be refreshed. The beautiful surroundings of the house are added to by the creative resources made available to us to dip into. There are bible verses and photographs to focus our minds, there are books and magazines to delve into, sand trays to write in and be creative with, paints and an arty table to practise your art skills. Or you can just sit and soak in the wonderful atmosphere, ponder and pray. To find out more about it all click here.

Yesterday was a special day for me as it was the fourth anniversary of my mum passing away. I was glad I was where I was, and able to just spend time remembering her, the love she had for me and the love we shared as a family.

It's been a difficult four years. I initially thought I was coping quite well with losing my mum who was more than a mum to me. But over the last year or so I've realized that grief can be a strange thing and can grab you from behind when you're not looking.

I'm a 'coper' in life and see myself as quite self reliant and someone who tends to support others. But over the last year I've come to appreciate that I needed other people. I needed communication, I needed a hug now and then, and although I'm not normally a talker, I needed to talk!!

This blog has helped me to process an awful lot of stuff and I'd come to a place where I didn't feel I had anything else to say. However yesterday while at Fourteen+ I was prompted by a friend to get back to blogging as she felt I had more to give. So here I am back with you all after a few months break.

I hope I can be a blessing to you as I share some of what's on my heart over the next few months.

Zechariah

Well the wait is almost over. Christmas Day is nearly upon us. However in the Austin household we have one other important event to celebrate two days before the Big Day. Gemma was born on the 23rd December and so our Christmas time is always wrapped up around that too.
14 years ago I spent Christmas in hospital as Gems was born as an emergency cesarean. She was a week late and my blood pressure had suddenly shot up. After having a very easy pregnancy this was rather annoying but hey ho that's life I suppose.

Anyway I won't bore you with the details, suffice to say she is a joy and we love her to bits. She was definitely worth waiting for and it's a privilege to call her my daughter.

As I blogged previously I've been reading daily advent scriptures and studies to help me prepare for Christmas spiritually. It's been an interesting journey and each day I've discovered something new about God's plan and about the different people who played a part in that plan. The one character who has stood out for me this year in particular is Zechariah. I've really warmed to his plight and the part he plays in the story for more than one reason!!

He was a devout man of God, a priest. Both he and his wife Elizabeth were 'upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commandments and regulations blamelessly. But they had no children, because Elizabeth was barren, and they were both well on in years.' (Luke 1: 6-7).

It was while Zechariah was on duty in the temple that he was visited by the angel Gabriel who told him his prayers for a child of their own, were to be answered. Now at this point I can so sympathise with Zechariah as his initial reaction is one of doubt and mistrust. He asks Gabriel 'How can I be sure of this?' (Luke 1:18). Because of his doubts Zechariah was struck dumb.....instantly!! A little harsh I think but we see this act also plays a significant part in the story as it unfolds.

All too often I have the same reaction. When I've waited for something for so long and I just can't believe it's ever going to happen. I've questioned the answer when it's come. I wish I could be more like Mary in the story (Luke 1:38), who pretty much accepts her news of giving birth to Jesus without too much fuss!! I can only put this down to the difference between youth and someone getting on in years (!!), and having lived a long devout life trying as hard as possible to follow God in the right way, but has had to deal with disappointment and unanswered prayer. This reminded me of Jesus' words in Luke 18:17 when everyone was bringing children to Jesus and the disciples sent them away. Jesus told them off and accepted the children because, He said, 'anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it'.

However to return to Zechariah to finish, I believe he redeemed himself.
When his son was finally born, after waiting nine months living in complete silence, he did obey God and confirmed that their child should be called John. This went against all tradition and yet both he and Elizabeth knew that John was a gift from God and would become a great man of God in his own right and prepare the way for the Messiah. Because Zechariah obeyed God, his voice was returned to him. He didn't then just go about his business as if nothing had happened he used his voice immediately praising and thanking God. It is an amazing passage and well worth a read. Nine months of frustration, waiting, preparation and realisation are expressed in Luke 1:68-79.

So my challenge this Christmas is to be more like Mary, more accepting of opportunities God puts in my way, without questioning them. But also to realise that sometimes I get it wrong like Zechariah and I need to react in the way he does with thanksgiving and humility. 

November

Well November came and went in a bit of a blur!!
November is a special month for me as I not only celebrate my birthday but my wedding anniversary too.
Wayne and I celebrated 22 years of marriage this year and I have to say it's been a blast. Although we are very different we share many of the same values and we encourage one another in our own interests as well as enjoying the same taste in food, sport, and TV viewing (for the most part anyway!!!).

I'm of the artistic persuasion Wayne is a scientist, Wayne's more logical I'm not!! None of these opposite trends seems to matter though, as we seem to compliment one another, and it all comes in handy when helping Gemma with homework projects and encouraging her in different areas of interest!!

Both Wayne and I enjoy being hospitable and so we celebrated my birthday and the birth of the new kitchen with a celebratory weekend by filling our house with lovely people who have walked alongside us in our journey over this last few months. It was a fab weekend celebrating with family and catching up with old friends as well as establishing new friendships. It marked the start of the next chapter in our journey using our new kitchen to bless others as well as receiving the blessings ourselves.

This month we also had the privilege of staying overnight at one of my favourite venues, the Waterside Inn at Bray. Thankfully Wayne's company were paying but we enjoyed a fantastic meal and then the luxury of staying there, followed by breakfast served in the room the next morning. What an absolute treat. I've promised myself we'll save up to go back next year sometime, love the place the people, the service and of course the food. 

And so to December. We've already started Christmas preparations. Cards are sent, the house is decorated with Tree and Christmas candles, just the shopping to complete now and then the wrapping to be done.
But I've also started preparing my heart and mind for Christmas too, and am reading daily Advent scriptures and studies. All to often I find myself getting ready for Christmas by being busy, but this year I want to cherish each day in preparation for the celebration of the birth of Jesus. After all as a Christian that's what I'm really celebrating at Christmas. So this may be my last blog before the New Year in which case I would like to wish you all a very very Happy Christmas. May you know God's Peace, Love, Joy and Hope at this special time of year. 

Rice and Beans

As part of Kerith Community Church I was challenged to make a choice this week, to live on Rice and Beans. Now initially this didn't strike me as a great choice to be honest, as I love my food, and in particular meat. However as I heard more about the reasons behind it all, and as Gemma had already made the decision to do this, and let us say, enthusiastically encouraged me to join her (!!) I felt I should give it a go.

This choice however was one which helped me appreciate life a bit more. It made me look at all we have in this country and the amount of variety of food and possessions we are exposed to. As a church the Kerith are supporting Serenje, a village in Zambia. It's a 5 year project in which we are partnering with Tearfund and EFZ to provide practical assistance for those living with HIV. To read more about the whole project click here.

In taking up this Rice and Beans challenge, we were encouraged to empathize with, and pray for those people (particularly in Serenje of course) who don't have the choices we have. Who can't just nip down to Tesco and get a ready meal or phone for a pizza or Chinese takeaway. The exercise in itself was not a difficult one as I didn't go hungry, but it did make me appreciate all I have access to on a daily basis. The variety and amount of supermarkets, takeaways and restaurants we have to choose from. It also made me appreciate the balance of diet we eat and what an effect that has on your digestive system!!

A great encouragement to me over the week was the way others in our community joined the challenge and shared their experiences and recipes (thanks Stacey!) on facebook. This joining of hearts and minds is what this whole Serenje project is about, and having got involved with this Rice and Beans challenge it helped me connect more with the whole ethos of the venture. We also had the privilege of hearing firsthand what a difference our connection with Serenje is making as we had two Zambian pastors come and visit recently and share at our Serenje celebration meeting. They were so encouraging and so positive about how we had helped it was truly inspirational.

Also during the Celebration meeting we heard about all that had been done in Serenje, and the many ways our community had got involved with raising money for the project. It was fantastic to hear how our young people had got so on board with it all and how local schools had taken up the challenge too. I had the privilege of playing at all three meetings so got to hear firsthand from local teachers about how this project had affected them, as well as hearing from the CEO of Tearfund himself about what a difference we were making.

Our combined vision is not just to provide short term financial support for the African village, but to link the two communities of Serenje and Bracknell in a long term sharing of hopes and dreams. In blessing Serenje we in turn are blessed.

Top of the League

Well I can't let the week end without mentioning football. I know most of you will stop reading now but hey I just wanted to express the complete and utter joy I feel every time I think about my beloved Man City!!

For those of you who haven't heard, we played Man United on Sunday and beat them 6-1....yes 6-1!!!!!
Not only did we beat our arch rivals at the weekend but we came from a goal down last night against Wolves in the Carling Cup to win 5-2 scoring 3 of the goals in 3 minutes!!! So we're not only top of the Premiership and 5 points clear, we're in the last 8 of the Carling Cup too. A great week's work!!

Now even if you don't know anything about football or indeed don't care, bear with me as I try and explain what this means to me. I have blogged previously trying to explain some of the tension between the two Manchester teams so I won't go there again. What I would like to say is the fact that my hometown has two extremely talented football teams, and it makes me feel proud to be Mancunian.

I know people will quote the figures and announce how much City are worth, but all the money in the world doesn't make a team play as a team. You need good leadership, hard work and good influential players to make it successful. Mancini has done a remarkable job buying the right players and managing their egos well. Players like Aguerro have added not only talent, but influence and hard work to the team. My prayer is that the money being invested in the club will serve as a legacy to the city as a whole. As the Commonwealth Games left a decent legacy I hope and pray the same can be said of Man City's current success.

I can remember all too well going through all the emotions possible while watching City play Gillingham in the promotion playoff final to get us back into the top flight of football in 1999. All the years of watching with uncertainty while Kevin Keegan was manager not knowing if we'd win or lose, a true rollercoaster. Some part of me deep inside misses the anxious moments wondering what kind of performance we'd give. However most of me is enjoying watching slick professional football, solid defending, outstanding passing and movement on and off the ball and wonderful goals. True team work.

I know it's only a game, and there are more important things in life I could be discussing, but it's part of me, it's in my blood. Having followed the blues for some 38 years, most of those living in the south, I've had to cope with ridicule on a number of occasions. So to all those who might want to have a go, or negate Man City's recent achievements or indeed my feelings of joy at the moment, I'd just like you to consider how you'd feel if the boot was on the other foot.

Let Go and Let God

Well October is nearly over and such a lot has happened since I last blogged!!

• My kitchen has been demolished and rebuilt
• I've completed two work projects
• My computer died and has been resurrected!! 
• The Willow Creek DVD conference held at Kerith Community Church has been and gone

All of these events are reasons for my not blogging for a while and have all had an impact on my life.

The chaos created by losing my kitchen and having walls knocked down has meant life's routines are a little out of kilter. Getting packed lunches ready for Gemma is challenging in a makeshift kitchen situated in the dining room. Entertaining is obviously not an option....... for now anyway!!! Cooking meals using the barbecue, slow cooker and microwave is all ....well interesting!!!

However the wait is nearly over and I will soon be posting pictures of the fantastic changes that I believe will not only bless us as a family, but many other people too, some of whom I don't even know yet. Hospitality is something we as a family love and we're all looking forward to being able to use our new kitchen as a true blessing.

The work projects have been relatively straightforward, which for those of you who've been following my blog will hopefully find encouraging, as I've never really found it that easy before now. However they do take time and so other projects in the house like cleaning and ironing do tend to get put on the back burner, although cleaning at the moment is a bit of a waste of time anyway, with floor tiling and decorating yet to be done!!! I'm really pleased though that I don't seem to have panicked too much and have managed my time quite well fitting in rest times, coffees with friends and taxiing Gems around as usual!!

Losing my computer for a while threw me a little, but again I coped with it ok I think (Wayne may beg to differ at this point!!). The main irritation was having to reload all the programmes I lost Word, Excel, Powerpoint, Adobe, reconnecting the printer etc etc etc...

I played in the Worship band at the Willow Creek conference at the beginning of October. This had a huge impact on me emotionally, physically and spiritually. The conference is a two day event and was attended by around 450 delegates. I've played for these events before on many occasions and have always come away challenged by the speakers. However this year was different.

The lead up to the conference involved three main rehearsals (on top of our usual Sound Professors rehearsals) and lots of practice on my part to be able to play with any kind of efficiency and longevity!!
The whole atmosphere at these events is amazing and you really feel you are part of something bigger, something that God wants you to add to, and be involved with.
However what I didn't know was that God was going to speak directly to me!! He used a very good friend of mine to basically give me a kick up the backside!!

Over the summer I'd been reassessing my purpose and place in the church and hadn't really come to any decision. I was struggling with where I fitted in and yet knew that if God wanted me to be part of the Kerith He'd sort it!! Well He did.
I was given an ultimatum, which to be honest rocked my world. It was kinda like someone taking you by the shoulders and giving you a good shake. I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach and left to process it all. However I'm finding God rarely tries to make a point by using only one person. After receiving my ultimatum, I had a number of  friends encourage me and pray with me and  help me process everything I needed to deal with.

The consequences of all of this are a new attitude, a new focus on my purpose and self worth and the start of a new chapter. I read this morning that we have to be prepared to let go of things that God takes away from us, but we should never let go of His hand. There were things that I wasn't letting go of which God had taken away from me. They were blocking my relationship with God, and holding me back from developing my faith and purpose in Him. However I never let go of His hand, and even though sometimes it might have felt like only our fingertips were touching, I knew He was always there.

So are there things you need to let go of and let God work in you?

Team Player

My beloved Manchester City had a Champions League game on Tuesday night against Bayern Munich. Now I know this won't have registered as very important to many of my friends, but if you know me at all or have been following my blog you may understand some of what I'm going to blog about. We lost the game 2-0 which in itself was a little disappointing as we've waited so long to reach this competition and hopefully get through the first stage and into the knockout stage (bear with me non football fans!!). However the most disappointing thing on the night, was the apparent lack of interest displayed by Carlos Tevez. Tevez was a key player for City last season, and helped us win the FA Cup and finish fourth in the League, our best season in the history of the Premiership. However this season we have added to our squad and he has not featured quite so often in the starting 11. On Tuesday he started the match on the bench as a substitute, and then when the manager, Roberto Mancini asked him to take to the pitch he seemingly refused.

Even if you're not a football fan, I'm sure you'll understand the frustration and outrage of the manager and the fans, as they saw him remain seated on the bench when his team needed him on the pitch.

I've always thought of myself as a team player, and this open display of dissent and disregard for his team and manager, from a player I have admired in the past for his work ethic both on the pitch and in training, really through me off guard. Now I know in the scheme of things football or sport is not the be all and end all of life, however having been involved in team sports for much of my life I believe it has taught me a number of life lessons. Lessons about working with different people, about right attitudes and working for the good of the team.

As I've blogged previously I have the privilege of playing in a band, 'The Sound Professors'. As well as giving me a sense of connectedness, playing in the band helps me to practice my sense of being a team player. Only when you are a team player can a band be successful. Only when you listen to one another properly, and are sympathetic to the harmonies, riffs and rhythms being played around you, can you add your own embelishments, improvisations and sounds that fit. Only then can the band play as one and sound fantastic.

I know that when I play in the band I have a sphere of influence and a sphere of concern. I influence how the band sound, and I'm concerned about the overall sound we create.

I believe in life we all have a sphere of influence and a sphere of concern. We all have peers, colleagues, friends, family who we affect by what we say and do. Carlos Tevez, as do many professional footballers, has a significant sphere of influence of his own, over many people. Over young aspiring footballers, as well as long standing faithful fans who may have never played the beautiful game!! Manchester City have suspended Tevez for two weeks and further talks on his future at the club are taking place. I don't know how this will all pan out, but I hope that Tevez will be more aware of his sphere of influence and change his attitudes, so that his sphere of concern becomes wider, and he appreciates the consequences of his actions on his followers.

As a christian I think this sphere of influcence is key to the way we behave and the things we say. The bible has much to say on this subject and in my daily readings today, I read the following from 1 Corinthians Chapter 10 vs 23-24:

"I have the right to do anything," you say - but not everything is beneficial.

 "I have the right to do anything" - but not everything is constructive.

 No one should seek their own good, but the good of others.

So as christians we have the freedom to behave in any way we like, but we need to consider how beneficial and constructive that behaviour is for the good of those we influence, for the good of the team we're part of, the church, and for the good of reaching people who don't consider themselves christians.

So who are you influencing and are you concerned?

'The Legend'

Some five years ago my brothers and their wives and Wayne and I, organized a surprise party for my Mum and Auntie. Mum was going to be 80 and Auntie 70. It was a great evening and we managed to gather many friends and family they hadn't seen for many years. It was a special night and one I will remember with great delight. I had the opportunity of honouring both these great ladies in my life with a short speech. It isn't often you get those kinds of chances while people are still with you, and it was a wonderful experience to be part of, it gave me a kind of warm fuzzy feeling inside.

Today I'd like to share some more thoughts on my wonderful Auntie who is introduced as Auntie and is considered an Auntie to my friends and is fondly dubbed 'the Legend' with a few close friends!! Her 'real name' is Iris but forgive me for continuing to use Auntie when describing her!!

I have blogged a little about her previously but I wanted to take time today to dedicate this entry to her. 

If you've read my Holiday Highlights blog you will know Auntie joined us in Cornwall for the second week of our holiday. As I've already said it was a very special time and one I will remember for many years to come, we shared many laughs and happy memories. She amazed me as she made her way down the 100 steps to the Padstow Lifeboat station knowing she would have to climb back up them!!

Unfortunately we couldn't use the lift on the left hand side as that was for casualties rescued by the lifeboat!!

On our return home from holiday we had a few housey projects to do, mainly in preparation for our new kitchen which is happening much sooner than originally planned!! So there was lots of sorting and tidying to be done. Now any of you who know Auntie will know that she's a determined woman, and someone who loves nothing more than sorting out and finding a place for everything. As I'm sure I've mentioned in previous blog entries I live with two very messy people, and as hard as I try to have a place for everything and keep everything in its place it's a somewhat uphill battle.

So on our return Auntie and I took the opportunity of Gemma being at pony camp for three days and 'out of the way' to make a start on the mess that was our house!! We worked our way through each room initially creating more mess....you know what it's like!! But ultimately ending up with a considerably tidier and cleaner house. Now if I'd been left to do this on my own I assure you I would have given up after the second day maybe but with my wonderful 'duracel powered' Auntie we got to the end and managed to achieve almost everything on the list before I took her back up north.

It is this determined, driven character that has been a true inspiration to me throughout my life. She has always been there for me. Supporting me (and the rest of my family and many friends), and encouraging me. It was only through Auntie that I owned my first bike. We went to the shop together she paid and I paid her back in installments. I was 18 when she funded the £350 it cost for my very first trumpet (in fact the one I still play to this day!). Again I paid her back in installments. She also helped Wayne and I out financially when we were going stir crazy in our one bedroomed flat after 5 years enabling us to move up the property ladder. Again an interest free loan and one that helped us out emotionally as well as financially!! 

She is a straight talker, honest, helpful, thoughtful, kind, fun and hard working. She is a true friend and since mum died has become the matriarch of our family and a central part of all we do.

I know she would say she feels lucky to have us all, and that we all want to spend time with her, but it's down to her that we feel this way. At birthdays and Christmas time the doors in her flat are adorned with warm greeting card messages which are a true testament to the kind, compassionate and thoughtful person she is. She never forgets a birthday and only yesterday we received a hand made thank you card from her for taking her on holiday. I should have been thanking her for all the hard work she'd done in helping me!!

Now I know she will be highly embarrassed about this blog entry as she doesn't like to be fussed over, but you know what Auntie, you deserve it. She doesn't have a computer but I print the blog off for her and send them to her via snail mail so I know she will be reading it!!

Thank you Auntie for all you are and all you've done. I know that losing Mum, your sister and companion, hasn't been easy, but I hope you know we all love you very much and think you are amazing. Thank you for being there for me even when I've not been great company, thank you for standing by me and loving me anyway. Just carry on being you, because we love you just the way you are, you are a true Legend.

Holiday Highlights

Well the Summer seems to have almost left us, although I have to say I'm enjoying the beautiful skies and dramatic cloud formations. That was one of my highlights over the summer, looking at the changing colours and wonderfully mysterious shapes the clouds made. It was probably my best summer for three years. Not because I got an amazing tan, or spent hours basking in warm sunshine on a beach, but mainly I think because I spent quality time with my family.

I had chance to catch up with family in Manchester early on in the school holidays and then Wayne Gemma and myself headed off to Cornwall for two weeks. Gemma spent the first week on a pony holiday (her idea of heaven I think!!) and Wayne and I spent some quality peaceful time together exploring the area in and around Tintagel where we were based. Then towards the end of the week we collected Auntie from Exeter then picked up Gemma and spent the second week altogether. It was fantastic.

It took me back to my childhood when we'd go out for days and enjoy exploring our own country. We even did a train trip. When I was little I loved trains so much I can remember Mum and Auntie taking me into Manchester and getting a train to somewhere (don't know where!!) then we just crossed over the platform and got the train back just so I could go on a train!!! Well we did the same in Cornwall, Bodmin to be precise, only this time it was a steam train, very Harry Potter like!!!

I think probably the only down side was that we had to pack everything because we didn't know what the weather was going to do. But all in all we were lucky and missed getting absolutely drowned!!

I discovered Cornwall. I fell in love with it, with it's crazy roads, wonderful coastline and crashing waves. Beautiful sunsets and pretty villages. We sampled Rick Stein's fish and chips and Wayne and I also experienced his wonderful cuisine at his Fish Restaurant in Padstow. Proper Cornish ice cream and fudge was also a highlight, the stunning view from the apartment/cottage we stayed in made even the coldest dampest day a pleasure. Gemma chose a visit to the Tamar Otter sanctuary one day, which was brilliant. She fed the deer and we all enjoyed just pottering through the woods and hearing all about the Otters and birds of prey they looked after. On our way back from there we stopped off at Jamaica Inn up on the moor. I'm now reading the Daphne du Maurier book and really loving it recognizing the places mentioned in the book.

But the main highlight I think was the trip to the Eden Project. It was amazing, beautiful, spectacular....I'm running out of adjectives now. But the main thing that struck me was the community that exists there. All the staff were friendly and obviously enjoyed working there. They not only worked well together but they were helpful and inviting to us visitors too. They wanted to share their passion for the environment and encouraged me to look at my surroundings in a different light. It was a truly amazing experience and somewhere I would go back to tomorrow if I could.

It's 10 years since the Eden project opened and because of that they held a circus there in the evening which we stayed to watch. It was called the Labyrinth and in the style of Circe de Soleil. Again this was amazing, top quality performances from all those involved which took you on a journey through the Eden project finishing with a finale in the stage area in the centre. We were actually below the trapeze artists and had to keep moving as other acts did their thing in different areas of the arena. The band were fantastic and performed from up in the rafters. A truly excellent experience and one I won't forget in a hurry.

I'm sure I'll remember this Summer for many years to come. Here are a small sample of the photos I took to help me remember!!

Thoughts on phones

I was around 13 and Mum had become seriously poorly and I needed to call an ambulance. We didn't have a phone so I ran round the corner to my Gran's house and got Auntie to make the call. What a  life saver communication can be. Just being able to pick up the phone to get help that night meant my Mum got the emergency operation she needed.

Then last night watching the live pictures on the TV of my hometown, Manchester, being ransacked was sickening and  frightening. Gemma was unsettled and wanted to know if Auntie was ok, so I was able to pick up the phone to check on her. What a sense of peace it gives you when you can talk to someone you love and are worried about and find out they're ok.

However 24 hours earlier I'd been blissfully unaware of the riots in London as we hadn't watched any news!!  How can that happen? All of a sudden your life is changed and your focus is changed from your own circumstances to those suffering such violence and lack of regard for human life and livelihoods.

There will be many discussions I'm sure about who's to blame and what the root cause of it all is, but what I've been thinking about is how it all escalated so quickly. One of the main causes seems to have been the use of BBM (instant messaging through Blackberry's). This seems to have been used to insight violence rather than help anyone, surely this 'tool' should be used more responsibly??

After all the mobile phone and the internet are only 'tools', as I was reminded yesterday when I had a coffee with a good friend of mine who had her phone stolen. It's a tool, and one we need to be the master of and not let it master us. I used to 'people watch' a lot, and really enjoy seeing how mother's reacted to their children, watching people in conversation, noticing an older person struggling with their shopping and then being able to help out. Now what do I do with that spare time, play with my phone, text, check out facebook, look something up on the internet, play a game!!! Surely we need to be more aware of our interactions with actual people rather than virtual friendships and self centred actions. Surely we need to be mastering the phone and other social networks and not letting them take complete control of our lives??

Connectedness

Over the weekend I had the privilege of playing a gig with 'The Sound Professors' (the worship band I play in). It was at a chilled festival which gave many people the opportunity to perform who may not necessarily be given a platform, and it gave us the opportunity to play some cool secular music which we don't often get the chance to do. After only a few rehearsals it was great to jam along with such talented musicians and pull a set list together. Rosie did an amazing job organizing us all and leading the band. Rehearsing and performing in such a way, draws you together like no other medium can. Music is a great unifier, and has a universal language all of its own, and playing in the band personally gives me a real sense of connectedness and purpose. Can't wait for the next one!!

I'm currently reading two Christian books which although seem quite different, are actually sharing some similarities in their content and both discuss this topic of connectedness.
The first book is 'The Church of Facebook' by Jesse Rice.The synopsis says this about the book:

This timely release explores the community-altering phenomenon of social networking sites and what it reveals about friendship, God and our own hearts. With hundreds of millions of users, social networks are changing how we form relationships, perceive others, and shape our identity. Yet at it s core, this movement reflects our need for community. Our longing for intimacy, connection and a place to belong has never been a secret, but social networking offers us a new perspective on the way we engage our community. How do these networks impact our relationships? In what ways are they shaping the way we think of ourselves? And how might this phenomenon subtly reflect a God who longs to connect with each one of us? The Church of Facebook explores these ideas and much more, offering a revealing look at the wildly popular world of online social networking.

My relationship with facebook has been a bit of a roller coaster to be honest and I'm seeing both good sides and bad sides to it. I think it's redefining friendships and creating more superficial relationships than anything has ever done before. On the other hand it is a useful tool for sharing news, staying in touch with friends who have moved away, and reconnecting with old friends. Did you know it's only been around for five years??? What did we do before facebook? How did we communicate with our friends and stay connected to them?

I'm not very far into the book (being a slow reader!!) but already it's helping me to understand some of how social networking has changed the way we do life and stay connected with one another.

The Second book I'm reading is 'Identity' by Charlotte Gambil from Abundant Life Church in Bradford.
I read this book some time ago, but this re read is giving me new insight into my relationships, my connectedness and my own security and self worth. Along with connectedness, it talks about separation, and how sometimes we have to move away from things that aren't leading us on the path God wants us to be on. Charlotte quotes Amos 3:3 'Do two people walk hand in hand if they aren't going to the same place?' and she goes on to say 'Think about who you are holding hands with because they will affect where you end up.'
In reading these books I'm being challenged about my relationships, about who I'm connected to, and why. They are helping me to value the people I have in my life in a different way and recognise that I have my own unique path which God has planned for me. As I was reading about this connectedness, I remembered the story of 'the vine and the branches' in John's gospel chapter 15.  This passage talks about God being our gardener and how a branch cannot bear fruit on it's own. It goes on to say:

I am the vine; you are the branches.

If you remain in me and I in you,

you will bear much fruit;

apart from me you can do nothing.  

As much as I love being connected to people, I know that fundamentally, I must be connected to God.
So I'd like to throw a little challenge out there for you. Who are you connected to and why?

Improvements

Have you ever had any building work done in your house? I can remember when we had a new kitchen put in our previous house. Gemma was tiny and the upheaval was horrendous. I had to build a makeshift kitchen in the lounge so I could sort Gemma's milk and meals out. We had to put stuff away in different parts of the house or just throw things away we didn't need anymore in preparation for the work to be done. Dust sheets were put down, doors were sealed up so the dust didn't spread throughout the rest of the house.  But for all the hard work and stress the result was fantastic. I can still remember the joy I felt when it was all done and the rest of the house was back to normal and the kitchen was such an improvement.

Life can be like that I find. Yesterday I started physio on my ankles. At the moment I can't wear any shoes with a back on them (like trainers or golf shoes.....very frustrating!!) as they put too much pressure on a growth I have on the back of my heals. This causes me enormous pain and means I end up walking like an old woman, which I know I'm approaching but would rather it wasn't quite so soon!!!
I know that this physio will probably make things worse initially but I'm hoping it will give me a long term solution and I'll be able to play golf and badminton once again in the not too distant future.

Last week we finished our first Morphing chapter. (If you don't know what I'm talking about I explain it in more depth in an earlier blog). There have been times on that journey which I've had to delve into emotions and feelings which have caused me great pain and upset. We've all spent time sharing and discussing how life has treated us, and looked back on our experiences sometimes with sadness. But I know I've come to the end of this first chapter feeling in a better place and having grown as a person and grown closer to God. I've learnt more about myself and I've had challenges which have made me face up to stuff and deal with things that have happened to me. It's been a bit like counselling I suppose, but with a trusted group of friends!!

As a parent, I sometimes have to challenge Gemma on her behaviour and her tidiness (!!) so she can learn and develop into an independent young lady. Someone who will be a leader not a follower, someone who will have confidence in herself and her beliefs. And ultimately someone who will be happy with who she is. These challenges can cause conflict between us and times of stress and strife at home, but I challenge her because I care about her. I care about what she becomes and how people perceive her. I love her and want the best for her.

As a Christian I believe God challenges us in life so we can grow and become who and what He made us to be. Sometimes we have to make decisions and challenge people which may rock the boat, or aren't received well and cause conflict and pain. But God has our best interests at heart. He wants us to learn and improvements to be made. He wants us to be reconciled with Him and, where we can, to live in peace with one another (Romans 12:18).

What I'm trying to say, is that sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. We have to have conflicts before we can have resolutions and growth and improvements, whether that's in a war zone, politically or relationally. So if you're in the middle of a conflict, or have been challenged about something or are going through a sad chapter of your life, then try to think about the improvements that are being made in you. Hold onto the future, and the hope and trust that God has us in the palm of His hand.

Happy Memories

Well the time has definitely come to reminisce about playing in my school band some 30+ years ago (I won't be anymore specific as it's quite a struggle to think I've been around that long let alone playing the trumpet that long!!!!).

For those of you who've been following my ramblings you'll know some of the story of my musical background....well here's another chapter....one which has been recently reopened through the wonders of technology and dare I say it, the beauty of facebook!!

As I said in my previous blog, some months ago I was given a trumpet when I started at Spurley Hey High School in 1975 (that's the last date I'm going to include!!), as I could already play a little and didn't own my own instrument. It was a brand new silver frosted Yamaha and one I treasured throughout my time at school. We shared many adventures together (including me leaving it on a bus one day on the way to school....!!!!!).

The most memorable adventures though, must have been the start of our touring as the 'Spurley Hey Wind Band'. We were invited to attend the Letterkenny International Music Festival in Ireland, county Donegal.
This was no mean feat all those years ago, especially from a large city school, and considering the troubled times Ireland were experiencing. It was only due to our visionary teacher and conductor Donald Ezard that this all came about. Yes we were good, but he made us extraordinary.

As we started playing 'Italian Festival', one of our favourite pieces as a band, at the opening ceremony in Ireland, a  wonderful thing happened. In walked an Italian male voice choir who just started singing along to all the tunes. It was pure magic and even now all these years later I can remember the ovation we got from them and from the audience watching as the connection was made between the two music groups.

This was no normal connection. It led to us touring Europe and doing concerts all over France, Germany and Italy. It led to the choir Coro Monte Pasubio, coming over to England to do joint concerts with us and visiting York and Liverpool. We also did a joint concert at the Free Trade Hall to raise funds for the Italians who had suffered from an earthquake.

Through the wonders of technology and facebook,  I have recently been reunited with many of the band members and started posting old photos of the band on our newly set up page. Yes there are some sad memories as some of the members are no longer with us, and as I look back at the photos and scan them (no digital photography then!!) I see some of those faces.

I can remember being on tour when we as a band heard of one of our trombonists, who hadn't come on tour with us, tragically dying in a motorbike accident back in England. This shook us as a band, but it also bonded us, and the concert we played that night was a tribute to Trevor and all that he represented, and the future he never had.

I look forward to hearing news from more and more members, and who knows, maybe a reunion one day of both the band and the choir will be on the cards. Whoever thought I'd be talking about the beauty of facebook!!!!

Importance

Wayne, Gemma and myself headed up to Coventry on Sunday for a family christening. It was held at a really lovely, quaint village church, which was well looked after. The stone work was beautifully clean, and inside there were subtly placed spotlights halfway up the walls to add sufficient light to show it all off well. The churchyard was pristine and the sunny day added to this lovely setting.

We sang hymns I hadn't sung for a long time and there were elements throughout the service which took me back many years, to my days as a Methodist, and to things I'm finding I miss.
We started with a good old Charles Wesley hymn 'Love Divine all Loves Excelling' which oozes truth:

Finish, then, Thy new creation;
Pure and spotless let us be.
Let us see Thy great salvation
Perfectly restored in Thee;
Changed from glory into glory,
'Til in heaven we take our place,
'Til we cast our crowns before Thee,
Lost in wonder, love, and praise.

We also sang 'O Jesus I have promised' which Wayne and I had at our wedding.....it obviously meant a lot then and still does now.....it reminded me of the promise I made to him when we got married, as well as the promise I made to Jesus 'to serve Him to the end'.

'Seek ye first the Kingdom of God' was the next hymn. This is based on the verse I was given when I got baptised....yet another telling moment of the service.

The most poignant moment was during the sermon though. This was based on the parable of the sower and the vicar pointed out how sometimes we have to be patient to let things grow or see things happen. He went on to talk about what our futures might look like....something I've been thinking about a lot recently.

I love that when God takes you away from your normal routine and reveals stuff to you. It made me think about what is important to me and why, at the moment, I myself don't feel that important. I've come to the conclusion that I, like most people I think, like to be noticed, I want to know people care about me and what I do, I want to feel valued and not ignored or forgotten. I think I feel most hurt when people misinterpret  my actions or words and don't respect me or value me as a person.

Deep down I know what I do as a mum and a wife is important to Wayne and Gemma. I know that I have been involved in things in the past that have been important to people and helped them, but right now, what am I doing with my life that is important?

Sunday reminded me that what I do for God is important, not necessarily what I do in the church, but what I do as an individual follower of Christ. It also reminded me, yet again, that I just have to be patient and know that God has it all in hand, as the farmer is patient with his crops, I have to be patient and wait and see what will happen. Watch this space!!!!