I have been in a very dark place over the last...... can't remember how long. Some people wouldn't have noticed, others have and have steered clear! I've realized I'm not a nice person when I'm in a dark place. I shut down, I feel numb, I can't be bothered with anyone or anything in fact everything is an effort. I see other people having fun and feel jealous, bitter and critical. Getting to this point was a journey, a very painful journey and one I don't really want to discuss here. Suffice to say circumstances and decisions (some of my own as well as others) brought me to a place of sadness which I didn't realize had completely consumed me.
I put myself into seclusion. Seclusion from God as well as people. This was a defence mechanism I think. I surrounded myself with a protective wall which not only protected me from the pain I was feeling but also stopped the love getting in too. I couldn't allow my heart to feel anything as it hurt too much. I couldn't even think about certain people without getting angry or upset and if I happened to see them I would be very ungracious and downright nasty. I recognise now that I was hurting so much that I didn't know how to deal with it. I felt God had let me down and abandoned me. I felt rejected by people and the church.
Today as I write this the sun is shining, and I can actually feel the heat from it as we move into Spring in the UK. I feel the sun is shining in me again too. I've turned a corner, made a breakthrough, had a revelation..... however you want to describe it I'm feeling like me again....but different too.
I feel lighter in spirit, more joyful (in fact at times ecstatic!!), at peace, connected to God, happy and oh so thankful. Thankful for my lovely hubby who stands by me whatever I throw at him (not literally of course!). Thankful for me fab daughter who is growing into a beautiful young woman of God. Thankful for the faithful friendships I have, true friends who have loved me warts and all. Thankful for new playing opportunities with both my trumpet and cornet, and for the new friendships I've made with both Burnham Concert Band, and Slough and Hemel Hempstead Salvation Army. Thankful for the Sound Professors who never let go of me. Thankful for different unexpected people reaching out to me and encouraging me. Thankful for surprise visits from friends saying how much we were missed. Thankful for the inspiring message on Connectedness by a very godly woman. Thankful for faith inspired messages and worship at the recent 'She Is' conference in Sheffield and the faithful friend who invited me to go. Thankful for all those faithful people who have prayed for me through this season. But most of all thankful to God for continuing to hold on to me even when I couldn't pray, read the bible or even go to church I know He was there holding on to me when I couldn't hold onto Him anymore. He never let go of me.
I pray that if any of this rings true for you that you will know God's peace, love and protection as you continue on your journey.